Recovery

Good Morning cyberspace,

Apologies for the lack of posting, I have been back home for just over a week, after spending 60 days as an inpatient on an eating disorder program. Luckily, they managed to correct all of my negative coping strategies, change my outlook on life and make me an all round happier person.

I know, sarcasm is the lowest for of wit. Shame on me.

If I am honest with you, the main thing they did while I was in hospital was to feed me. Three meals, three snack and two deserts a day. Plus glasses of juice and milk. The aim was for me to gain 0.8-1kgs a week, and they accomplished that. My blood work is all back to normal and my BMI is just at the healthy limit. All good things, but how do you keep up with such a regime when you are back home? Back home, and in my case, alone for the majority of the day. It might seem to you to be simply a question of wanting to get better; I sought out treatment for my eating disorder so I should want to keep going forward, keep eating.

The reality is, my eating disorder is a powerful thing. It has overpowered me regularly over the last 8 years, and for the last year it has been in complete control. And totalitarian dictators do not relinquish their thrones gracefully, or without one hell of a fight. So unfortunately, after completing my second ED program, I am not suddenly 'cured', and for the present time I have been left on my own by my psychiatric services.

But the way I look at it, I have two choices: I can give up entirely right now, let the ED and BPD go back to running the show and watch my body and mind crumble away again. Or I take a breath, do what I can to push back the ED, and try and figure out where this all came from. Because maybe, just maybe, if I know why I ended up this way, I can change the outcome.

There is no guarantee this will work, but life itself isn't a guarantee. The only thing we can be sure of in our lives is that at some point, it will come to a stop. So I have nothing to lose by trying.

I am going to try and post every second day, to begin with these posts will be about how I got here, followed by some pseudo psychological introspection, and all going well, we will come to the present. To my recovery, in the hopes that someone will see this, see how many wrong turns I took and make a different choice.