Sorry, couldn't help myself, terribly cliched I know.
Before I ferry you up the river Acheron and into the depths of my mind, I need to reveal some basic information. As per my profile, I am a 30 year old female, and I live with my boyfriend and our two dogs. I am currently on long term sick leave from my job, in a bank, and when I was 18 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
The use of the term 'Borderline Personality Disorder' is debated by mental health professionals, and in recent years a new name for patients who meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD was introduced - emotionally unstable personality disorder. There is plenty of literature online about the history of the term BPD, and the reasons for a move towards EUPD. I have no psychiatric training so I can't tell you which is correct, but what I can tell you is that in my opinion as a patient, it makes absolutely no difference. They are just words, the name of the disorder has no bearing on the person diagnosed with it. But to keep things simple I am going to stick with BPD on this blog.
Another problem that surrounds BPD is whether or not it actually exists; many psychiatrist and psychologist insist that it doesn't. That in fact people diagnosed with BPD are just your average narcissistic fuck ups looking for an excuse for their bad choices. Some argue that a symptom of BPD is being a liar, thus making diagnosis even more difficult. I can't speak for anyone else but to the best of my knowledge I have never lied to my psychiatrists or psychologists. I have definitely omitted a few details, usually in the interest of getting out of hospital, or staying out of it. But since I was first diagnosed 12 years ago, and on the occasions I have had my diagnosis re-confirmed, I have spoken nothing but the truth about what happens in my brain. Well, the truth as I see it.
So I have borderline personality disorder. I have over the years exhibited all of the criteria/traits of the disorder, and continue to experience many of them today. I won't list the 'symptoms', as I'm sure you all know what Google is, but let me assure you I am a textbook case(of course I am, god forbid I be even 1% less troublesome - oh how I love my inner critic). So what does it mean to have this diagnosis? Nothing, it's just words. Words that doctors can write on the front of my files under 'Diagnosis'. For me, my diagnosis is only valuable for two reasons:
1) Because of those three words I have had access to therapies that help me with my particular problems. Cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectic behavioural therapy and more recently I have been linked in with a cognitive analytical therapist.
2) I know now that while there is nothing wrong with my brain, I process information and thoughts differently to most people. For example, if a friend cancels plans, you might be annoyed or disappointed, but you will probably not think much more of it and will continue on with your day. I might also be disappointed, but I will then spend hours wondering why they cancelled, and all roads will lead back to me. They don't really like me, they find me boring, I'm not worth their time, I am a terrible friend so of course they cancelled. Or I will decide that because this friend has let me down once, they will always do it again - there are no shades of grey in my world.
Other than that, my diagnosis is not important to me. Don't get me wrong, I am in complete agreement with it, I just don't think it matters what its called or how may doctors agree with its existence.
You might be wondering how my disorder came about. Google can fill you in on the multitude of theorised causes, and it is generally believed that someone with BPD has several contributing factors. In my case, I don't if I have a smaller hippocampus or if my cortisol levels are elevated, but I do know that experiences I had as a child are at least partly to blame. Stay tuned for 'Tales from Lisa's Crypt' at a latter date.
Okay, so I've given you some basic details on BPD and the Gods of Google can fill in the rest - prepare for big words, a lot of maybe's and even more contradictory studies. I could copy and paste all of the data into this post, but I don't think it will help you to understand me, or other people with BPD(or EUPD, whatever works). Sadly the technology to transfer consciousness from one brain to another hasn't been discovered yet, so I'll just have to do the best I can with words.
Every moment of our lives, our brain is processing data from the world around us. What we see, hear, touch...and that data passes through an invisible filter, composed of your experiences, memories and your beliefs - about yourself and others. Our thoughts, feelings and new memories are what come out of the other side of the filter and in they affect how you interact with the world. Because this filter is unique to every individual, we all have a different perception of reality, but for the most part our realities are not too far apart. However some people, for many different reasons, have a completely different filter. As someone with BPD, my filter is riddled with automatic, negative thinking styles that are different than most people. In general this means that my reality is dark, and cold and full of self loathing and doubt. In my world, I am nothing and I believe that everyone else feels the same. So everything you say to me I will twist, until it validates my existing beliefs, until it fits in with my reality. It is not intentional; your filter is just on different settings and most of the time you aren't even aware of it. I know you can learn to identify your dodgy filter settings, and then you can start to adjust your thoughts and see the data from a different, more balanced perspective. All of that takes time and a lot of work, but recovery is possible. And yet, you can't replace your filter. You will always have to be vigilant, scanning for those rogue BPD thoughts.
The final thing I want to tell you is that lifetime co-morbid conditions are highly likely in people with BPD. Only a minority of BPD patients have straightforward clinical presentation with no co-morbidity. I fall into the majority category(typical me *sigh*). Which leads me to the end of this fact finding essay; My name is Lisa, I have Borderline Personality Disorder with co-morbid mood instability, recurring clinical depression, anxiety and eating disorder not otherwise specified. Oh, and I'm a self harmer with a fondness for suicidal ideation and attempts.
And if you've made it this far, I applaud your tenacity and thank you for sticking with me. Now that all the boring stuff is out of the way, I can tell you some probably boring insights into how I came to be me. Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional me. Hands up how many people are sick of hearing that when you tell someone you're fine? It means good, that's all. Or if you are American and referring to the opposite sex, it means attractive i.e. 'Damn b*tch you is fiiiiine*
Until next time boys and ghouls x
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