Who...Are...You?

Tick, tick, tick. One week to go until my admission to the clinic, one week left with my longtime companion. My friend, my solace. Tick, don’t eat, tock, ignore the pain, tick, more coffee, tock, another cigarette.

On and on the day goes, the little monkey whispering words of encouragement in my ear: The thinner you are going in, the thinner you will be coming out. Tick, smoke, tock, coffee, tick, ignore the ache, tock, don’t be weak. His little tail is curled around my neck, soothing, reassuring.

But then I notice the little claws sinking into my shoulder, the sense of desperation in that sharp grip. My desperation. My clawing hold, clinging to my eating disorder.

What am I without it? Nothing. A waste of time, space and flesh. I know this is the other monkey on my shoulder, my irrational, emotional mind. But now this is the only other voice in my head. I have disappears into the chasm of my illnesses. I am not here anymore. I am lost, where is the white rabbit to guide me back to myself?