Milestones

When I was in hospital several months ago I made my first long term goal. The future does not exist for me on a daily basis, I am permanently stuck in the difficulties of the moment. Long term goals are overwhelming but also incredibly important as they can provide an anchor to keep me steady when my strength waivers, but if I reach these goals they then become milestones. Days that I didn’t think I would reach when I planned them.

I achieved this first victory against my depression on the 19th of December, when I went to see my favourite band live, with tickets I had purchased 4 months previously. In that moment, listening to a sea of voices sing lyrics that have seen me through some of my darkest days, I felt something. For the briefest of moments, I felt the win. But then it was done, and I was left back in the same bleakness as before. So a new goal was needed. I had known this would happen, the crash, so my next date with life was already planned.

That day is now upon us, a day I had planned to reach with my dearest friend, who has her own battle with mental illness. It was a simple plan when it was conceived, to go and see the film Wild. Wild was one of the last books I was able to read, before depression robbed me of my ability to digest words. It was a book I loved, a story I found inspiring, and seemed very fitting given the present I was in.

As time moved closer to the 16th of January the plan evolved, to include a meal and shopping and a luxury hotel stay. At the time, I genuinely made these alterations with good intentions, wanting to celebrate us both achieving a joint milestone. But looking back, I wonder if there was a hint of desperation to my planning. Over the last month, my battle with my depression and my eating disorder has become more one sided, and I am loosing ground by the hour. Seeing Wild was no longer about achievement and hope, but something I was crawling toward with broken, bloody nails and sorrow perched heavily on my back.

I am now going back into residential treatment on Monday. Six weeks to go into recovery from my eating disorder, to return to a healthy weight(ED monkey: You are a healthy weight already, they just want to make you fat again), so that my body can absorb my anti-depressants (BPD monkey: LIES! they are just trying to trick you, you’ll never win) and I can battle my depression with renewed strength. Which is all well and good, despite my fear and despondency toward treatment.

But for now, today, Wild day, I feel like I have failed.I guess that is the problem with goals, once accomplished they are wonderful, when unsuccessful they are crushing. Johnny Cash once said “You build on failure, you use it as a stepping stone.” It remains to be seen whether I can be step past today and build a different future, but for now my only goal will be to some day have the fortitude and mettle to make another goal.