You're Too Pretty

A combination of sleep deprivation, anxiety and a sudden drop in my already low mood are impairing my cognitive functions, and one unfortunate consequence is that I have been finding it impossible to write. I can barely remember what I did 3 hours ago, so describing the next phase of my treatment is unfeasible. The irony is, writing is one of the positive coping strategies I use when in distress. I would sincerely like to not be defeated by my own mind, again, so I am going to deviate from my biographical timeline and write about something a bit easier. I apologise in advance for all grammatical errors, I've been up since 2am.

As I said before, I started self-harming at the age of 12. I don't know what made me try it for the first time, but over the last 19 years I have become something of an expert on the subject. To be clear, I am an expert about why I self-harm; you can't be an expert on another person's pain. We are the product of our genetics, our environment and most importantly, our life experiences; and as we are all individuals, everything we see, hear or experience is specific to us. Our perception shapes our reality, so in a sense, we are each living in our own separate universes. For example, have you ever received a text from someone and come to the conclusion they are being rude, that you must have done something to annoy or upset them. Maybe they only used one exclamation mark, or their usual winking face was missing. But if you ask them about it, they have no idea what you are talking about. Of course they aren't angry with you, it was a perfectly pleasant and friendly text. Then you feel like a bit of a jackass, because unless someone actually says something direct, it is almost impossible to determine the tone of a text. One text, two completely different experiences of it.

I realise I went slightly off point, but what I am trying to convey is that while I can (hopefully) provide you with some insight on self-harm, I can only truly understand how it affects me. There will be some overlap, but there is no 'one size fits all' answer. I have yet to find a situation where one size actually fits all, I'm currently wearing a pair of socks that claim to fit all feet, and yet my ankles are completely exposed to the cold air. I have once again digressed from the matter at hand, Lisa's guide to self-harm.

1. What exactly is self-harm?
Self-harm is when you deliberately inflict physical harm on yourself. There are a long list of behaviours that are used to self-harm such as cutting or scratching your skin; burning yourself; hitting yourself or banging your head; swallowing poisonous substances; purging or restricting(yes these are eating disorder behaviours, but are also used as a way of hurting oneself); driving recklessly etc. Someone might only engage in one of these destructive behaviours, or several. My weapons of choice are cutting, scratching, burning, purging and occasionally throwing my fist or whole body into a wall.

2. Why the hell would you do it?
Excellent question, sadly the answer is not so black and white. Self-harming is a coping mechanism, a negative one, but in the short term it is very effective. People self-harm for many reasons, and often in an individual it will serve more than one purpose. However over the years I have noticed that for most people it will serve at least one of the following functions:
- To punish yourself. When I feel worthless or stupid, or when I hate myself for being such a terrible daughter/friend/sibling, I feel like I deserve to be punished. I am such a terrible human being that I should suffer, I should be in pain, pain is all I deserve. I am so ugly inside that I have to make my outside ugly to. I have on one occasion been filled with such self-loathing that I stabbed myself in the stomach.
- Control. When you feel like completely powerless in life - your emotions, your past, your present are all spinning wildly into oblivion and you can't get a hold of them - your body is the one thing you hold dominion over. You choose to pick up that razor, or take those laxatives. In that moment, you are in control of at least one thing in your life. It's like a life raft you desperately cling onto to ride out the storm.
- Release. All that pain, sadness, anger or despair is trapped inside you causing you to be in such emotional pain that you would do anything to let some of it out. But either you don't know how or you're afraid that they are too big for you, they will swallow you whole if they burst through. Like a pot of boiling water that is just about to spill over, and at the last second you lift it up and lower the heat until it reduces to a simmer. Hurting yourself is the emotional equivalent, it brings the intensity down just enough so you can survive. The problem is, it is only a temporary reprieve. So you have to do it again, and again, to stop yourself from erupting. For me, when I feel like I'm being suffocated by my emotions, cutting is like taking a big, deep breath and allows me to breathe normally for a little while. I don't self-harm because I want to die, I am doing it to stay alive.

3. People who self-harm are attention seekers
*Deep breath* This statement usually touches a nerve with people who self-harm. A very raw nerve, but please read the entire paragraph before coming at me with verbal pitchforks. The truth is, sometimes people self-harm for attention. The problem is with the definition of 'attention'. When most people refer to someone as an attention seeker it is used in a pejorative way, like a bold child running around a restaurant screaming and embarrassing you in front of your friends. To seek attention however, is trying to get someone to notice you or take care of you i.e. you fall and injure yourself and you seek medical attention. So when I say that some people self harm to get attention, they are doing it because they are crying out for help and they are unable to or don't know how to verbalise it. If someone self-harms and tells you about it, or has to go to A&E, or tells you they are going to self-harm, it is not to manipulate you, they are simply asking you to see their pain and tell them how to stop it. They do it because they are terrified of their own thoughts and emotions and they are desperately trying to communicate with you, with anyone. It is a cry for help, not some childish attempt to become the center of attention. The rest of the time, we aren't going to tell you anything. Self-harm is our secret. Firstly, we may have problems but we aren't idiots. We are fully aware that what we do is not 'normal', and many of us are ashamed of it. We know what people think about us, about the signs in A&E that say anyone who presents with self-injuries is to be sent away, the stereotype of the angst ridden teenager brooding over bad poetry. Why on earth would we let ourselves be pigeonholed unless it was inescapable? Second, self-harming is our main coping strategy. When thing's get really bad, or if something happens that leaves us vulnerable or sends our emotions into a tailspin, one quick jab of a cigarette will calm us down. Yes, it's not an ideal situation, but we know it will always work, even if it's just for a few minutes. If we tell you, you will probably try and stop us, take away our safety net. So yes, sometimes a person will self-harm to try and get your attention, but it will usually be because their situation is critical.

4. You're too pretty to do that to yourself
The first time I tried to kill myself I had to go to A&E to get my wrists stitched. I was very distressed as the nurse was bandaging me up, and she decided to offer me the following advice: "You're far too pretty to be doing this to yourself, so you just stop that now, okay?". I was so stunned I immediately stopped sobbing. I know she was trying to be kind, but what my face had to do with my mental state is beyond me. Over the years I have heard similar statements, 'You're too smart', 'You're too old', or my personal favourite, 'You should know better'. However well meaning, these are all ridiculous and unhelpful things to say to someone who uses knives to get through the day. I am neither an imbecile or a petulant child to be chastised or coddled. Mental illness does not know my age, race, sex or how wonderful I am at baking. My depression doesn't give a shit if I work hard, or spend my holiday's volunteering as an aid worker in a war torn country(I don't but you get the point). Try and imagine what it would take for you to pick up a piece of glass and tear at your own skin. And then imagine being told to 'snap out of it' or 'cop on'. It would probably make you feel like shit, and when you're down that low, you're an expert at making yourself feel like shit.

5. Don't stare
This is nothing more than good manners, it's rude to stare. Just because it looks like I went a few rounds with Edward Scissorhands, doesn't give you the right to look at me like I'm a sideshow freak. When your scars are visible it is incredibly difficult to not feel embarrassed all the time. When I started self harming, and even in my twenties when I did most of the damage to my arms, I didn't think of scars. You can't think of something so practical when your mind is imploding. I didn't know I would spend the rest of my life literally wearing my depression on my sleeve, because most of the time I didn't believe I had a future. I spent so much time hiding them, so much time being ashamed of my body and what I had done to it. I still cry sometimes when I look at what I have done to myself. But I am trying really hard to not feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, to not hide my battle scars from the world, so please don't make it harder. I can't speak for anyone else, but I would rather you asked me what happened than pointed me out to your friend on the Luas and eyeball me with horrified expressions. My scars might be ugly, but they are part of who I am. I wish I had never self-harmed, but I did, and without it I wouldn't be here right now.

I can't tell you I go out into the world every day, proud to be me, scars and all. I can't even say I do it once a week. But I am trying to see them for what they really are, proof that I went through hell and I am still here. That's what they are for all of us, because if you're reading this, you're still here and that's pretty damn impressive.