To Laura

Today would have been your 31st birthday, instead it is just another day without you. Another day that I spend remembering what was, and dreaming of what could have been.

I miss you everyday, but some days you are clearer in my mind, some days you push your way to the front of my thoughts over and over again. Lately you have been at the foremost of my mind more than ever. Because while I miss your smile, your laugh and your wicked sense of humour, I miss your understanding more than anything. They way you always knew when my thoughts turned darker, how you never challenged or questioned their validity but took them as they were and held my hand through them. Admittedly sometimes the hand holding involved questionable amounts of cheap liquor, but you walked, or wobbled, down the winding path with me.

I remember one birthday celebration of yours that I didn’t want to turn up for, as I had bandages up and down both arms after a recent incident with a razor blade. You wouldn’t hear of it, you told me I was going, and who the hell cares who saw my bandages. You told me I could come in jeans and a baggy jumper if I wanted, and I did. I left early, but not after collecting a few more hours of precious memories of you. After enjoying shared laughter and a genuine smile, forgetting how I was feeling on the inside.

Laughter was the gift you gave me over and over, laughter and love through the worst times. Sitting here now, trapped in my gloomy head again, I wonder what you would think of me. What you would say. Would you be disappointed in me for not pushing through, finding the laughter, finding life in this existence. Or would you tell me you understand. That sometimes the fight burns out inside of you, and there is no life left to seize.

I miss you more than words can express, I wish with all my being that you were here to rage against the dying light with me. I wish I had known your flame was flickering out, I wish I had seen it dwindle and could have held your hand as you held mine.

I wish you could tell me everything is going to be okay, or that it’s not, but that you will love me anyway. As I still love you.